societal decay

Continuing my investigation into the current state of women in our society, let's look at Britney Spears. Once an almost unfairly desirable superstar, she got fat, had a few kids, went to drugs, and is now insane. It seems that while in a rehab clinic, she's tried to kill herself twice, proclaimed herself to be the Anti-Christ, and - to top it all off - asked K-Fed for yet another baby.

I won't be too critical of her - I'll just be blunt. This is a horrible tragedy. We, as Americans, should have done something to prevent this years ago. We've lost one of the beautiful people, and there may be no way to reconcile that. All right, so Britney was (and is) annoying, and her music has never been worthy of defecating to, but if buying her albums and humoring her "musical ability" would have helped keep her thin and gorgeous, then let me be the first to apologize.

I think this is a perfect time for Congress to mandate a protection plan for our nation's most attractive people. It gives us a better image abroad and helps us maintain superiority when our celebrities are hotter than everyone else's. One could make the case that having pretty women is what the founding fathers intended to be the lifeblood of America; Ben Franklin would roll over in his grave if he knew we were letting them slip away so easily. This is all about responsibility, and it's someone's fault. Certainly not Britney's.

The progression: